Pains on Trains (eBook)

Andrew Holmes is a writer, serial commuter, gadfly and collector of stories and observations about the people around him. He spends far too much time on trains for his own good and is seeking professional help to overcome the obsessive-compulsive disorders that have resulted. He likes to spend as much time as possible with his family - assuming he ever gets home of course. Matt Reeves lives and works somewhat beyond the M25. Rumours that he is the model for 'The Creative' as featured in this book are grossly over-exaggerated. Working on this project has given Matt a more detailed understanding of the UK rail system and its commuters than he would have ideally liked. All proceeds derived by Matt from this book will be put towards his helicopter fund.

Preface 6

Acknowledgements 8

Trial by Commuting 10

The Beggar 16

The Belligerent 20

The Born in a Stable 24

The Broadsheet 28

The City Boy 32

The Clique 36

The Creative 40

The Deadbeat 44

The Death Breath 48

The Double Seater 52

The Drunk 56

The Engager 60

The Enquirer 64

The Family 68

The Fast Fooder 72

The Flamboyant Groin 76

The Gadget 80

The Gaggle 84

The Group 88

The Hero 92

The High-flier 96

The Late Starter 100

The Lovers 104

The Make Up Artist 108

The Mammoth 112

The Mobile Phoner 116

The New Worker 120

The Night Clubbers 124

The Nose Picker 128

The Nutter 132

The Over Your Shoulder 136

The Pervert 140

The Phantom Farter 144

The Reservist 148

The Ritualist 152

The Sardine Packer 156

The Sleeper 160

The Social Climber 164

The Spinster 168

The Starer 172

The Stinker 176

The Stretcher 180

The Territorialist 184

The Texter 188

The Toff 192

The Train Timer 196

The Traveller 200

The Vomiter 204

The Wheeled Caser 108

The Youth 212

Afterword 216

"...start 'pain spotting' and put the fun back in
to commuting..." (Publishing News, 12 September 2003)

"...A new book Pains on Trains offers advice on taking it
all [irritating commuters] in your stride..."(Daily Mirror, 24
October 2003)

"...hugely funny..." (Oxford Mail, 31 October 2003)

"...Pains on trains is a hugely funny and brilliantly
Observed look at the different types of people..." (Edinburgh
Evening News, 1 November 2003)

"...hugely funny..." (Cambridge Evening News, 8 November
2003)

"...hysterically accurate..." (Southern Daily Echo, 8
November 2003)

"...brilliantly observed..." (East Anglian Daily Times,
November 2003)

"...hysterically accurate...with wonderful descriptions
and illustrations..." (Irish News (Belfast), 1 November
2003)

"....I like to think of myself as fairly curmudgeonly, though I
am mild-mannered compared to Andrew Holmes and Matthew Reeves who
have produced a book called Pains on Trains...this consists of 50
different types of people who annoy the authors on trains..."
(The Guardian, April 2006)