Divorce: A Survivor's Guide (eBook)

Chapter 1:
And So It Begins

When I started to write this book, I had just come back from my attorney’s office where I had finally signed my Separation Agreement, which is just one document among the many involved in the journey to a divorce. Divorce is all about documents. There are papers, worksheets, forms, discovery requirements, motions, and court filings, which all lead up to the ultimate document – a Judgement of Divorce, better known as a divorce decree.

Heaven vs. Hell, or Should I Just Say Hell

Divorce is emotional, unsettling, stressful, and messy from beginning to end. In divorce you experience multiple emotions at once, in a minute-by-minute ever-changing kaleidoscope. Emotional highs and lows and everything in between. You’re making legal and life-changing decisions while your emotions are spiking and plummeting. To be overwhelmed is a given. Recognize that divorce is trauma. Whether it catches you by surprise or it’s something you want, it unsettles your life.

If you were to ask, “Is it possible to have a smooth divorce?” I would say that yes, it is. I have had the experience of divorce twice in my life, both in New York State. My first divorce was 25 years ago, and it was a smooth one. We went to a mediator four times. My first ex-husband and I met with the mediator to understand what needed to be included in the Separation Agreement. We agreed on the details at home and advised the mediator, who drew up the paperwork. Once we signed the papers, the mediator filed them with the court. That’s it. It was relatively easy-peasy. The legal paperwork was mostly generic and straightforward, even allowing for custody of our daughter, child support, and separation of house assets.

Afterwards, my first ex-husband and I co-parented our daughter very well. My goal was to raise her in an environment with as little divorce stress as possible. Check your issues at the door. Of course, for this strategy to work both people must be somewhat sane human beings. He remarried and I consider him, his wife, and their children to be family. People are surprised regarding our cordial relationship. Acting like adults was best not only for my daughter, who was 4 years old at the time, but for their kids as they came along. I’m very proud of the great job we all did as a team.

Apologies for going off topic for a bit. My point was to demonstrate that a smooth divorce, and even a smooth post-divorce, is possible. Smooth is nice and I hope your divorce is smooth. It would be a blessing and a kindness if the legal aspects of your divorce were smooth, leaving you more bandwidth to heal and move on.

A smoother divorce minimizes trauma and allows you to get acclimated to your new normal and focus on rebuilding your life. Perhaps you can’t get to a completely smooth divorce, but even small steps toward a smoother divorce would help.

But some divorces are not smooth. And not just un-smooth, but pretty damn awful. Of the divorces which fall into the awful category I expect there are many levels of awfulness, ranging from just slightly awful to horror movie awful. My recent second divorce was one of those. It was the polar opposite of smooth and I would rate it as horror movie awful. And as I discovered, the alternative of a smooth divorce can grind you into the ground.

The first thing you feel at the thought of a divorce is panic. Once I knew divorce was inevitable, I was, as expected, greatly upset over the breakup of my marriage. However, my panic was exponentially multiplied, and I was close to hysterical over what I knew was headed my way in the divorce. Knowing my spouse, I knew what I was in for, and how bad he would make it. My apprehension was off the charts. It turned out worse than I imagined. I have since learned what a nightmare it is to divorce someone who fights dirty.

In our marriage I thought I was exempt from the indifference the POS showed to the rest of the world. That was terribly naïve of me. His indifference turned into callousness, which then turned into plain old malice, expressed through gaslighting and bullying. It was a hard lesson to learn and live through. It’s reflective of his character, and his traits were displayed in full force throughout the divorce proceedings.

My recent divorce took two years to complete. Twenty-four long months of silence on the home front, money worries, money payments, and money wasted. Twenty-four months of strategy discussions, legal options, and thousands of emails. All mixed in with emotional trauma like I had never experienced. In my case, it was 24 months of protecting myself from layer upon layer of lies, nastiness, and hate thrown at me, both from my spouse and his Barracuda attorney. Their cutthroat tactics did everything and anything to guarantee a hellish divorce.

My case was 17 months of maneuvering through a grueling divorce process to get to a Separation Agreement, followed by 7 months to get the Judgement of Divorce. It was a long, tedious, and painful process. Two years of him playing dirty, living in my house free of charge, and taking financial advantage of me anyway he could. Months which felt even longer with no end in sight, or should I say, no immediate end in sight. Sometimes making the right decision, sometimes making the wrong one, and sheer hell all the way.

Based on his personality and how he handled conflict, I knew the POS was going to go for the jugular. The famous Bette Davis quote “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night” from All About Eve (Zanuck & Mankiewicz, 1950) perfectly described my situation and dread for the entire time it took to get to a signed Separation Agreement.

From beginning to end, it was a bare-knuckle cage match.

The D Word

You hear about divorce all the time. On TV, social media, everywhere. It is a worldwide phenomenon with hundreds, thousands, and millions going through it every day. Marital trauma on a global scale. However, knowing the volume of people going through it doesn’t lessen your feelings. Everyone experiences the divorce fallout of fear, loss, and grief. Even if you want the divorce, you cannot avoid feeling the loss of a marriage. Our hearts and minds are not a light switch which can be turned quickly on or off, even if we wish it was so. It’s a painful process all around.

Divorce is global, not just throughout the world, but global in your life. Your whole life is changing, your future path may be unknown, and you can’t pretend otherwise. It includes your relationships, children, finances, career, where you live, how you live, and expectations for the future. Every holiday, weekend, and simply everyday life is different. It feels different living inside your own skin and that can be tough to come to terms with.

Being divorced means you’re now in a different category. You joined The Divorced Club. People see you differently, and you’ll see yourself differently. Your pre-divorce life is gone, to be replaced by a different post-divorce life. You’ll mourn your pre-divorce life. I know I did, and still do at times. But I’m learning that life is long, that you can recover and move on.

Currently you’re in the pre – or mid-divorce phase. First, let me say I’m sorry for the difficult path you’re on. Your goal is to get through the process and to come out the other side somewhat whole. Perhaps not entirely whole, but as whole as you can possibly make it. And after it’s over, to settle into your new changed life, adding bits and pieces back in to become even more whole. What you feel after the first week will be different from what you will feel after the first six months, or year, or years to come.

What is the ultimate objective for the divorce? Only one thing…to get out alive!

The Process of Divorce

As laymen to the legal proceedings and complications of a divorce, the average person requires a lawyer to help guide them through the divorce process. Your lawyer will speak a different language than you, a language used in the numerous discussions on strategy and various legal documents. A new language that you will become more familiar with as you progress.

Along the way you will be asked to make decisions regarding strategy. A divorce attorney does not dictate the decisions for your case. They discuss legal options with you and are guided by how you want to proceed. It is very much a team effort between you and your attorney.

Although all divorces have different circumstances with different players, the process of divorce remains the same.

Learning about an unfamiliar process helps to reduce anxiety. That’s why healthcare providers explain what is going to happen in medical procedures. It prepares you for what is ahead, and the additional understanding helps to calm fears. If you know what to expect, you can go through it with less anxiety and hopefully a clearer mind. The same theory applies to a divorce. You will be less surprised, better prepared, and hopefully make better choices knowing what is next in the divorce process.

I am not a writer, or an attorney, or a therapist. I’m an average woman who has been through the New York State divorce courts. Twice. I’m not necessarily proud of that fact, but there it is. I write of my recent divorce not so much as a how-to, or as a how-not-to, but as a be-aware-as-you-go. Perhaps knowing someone else’s story can benefit your own. My experience can help make sense out of confusion as you navigate...